Here goes….

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Well, here I am. I can’t honestly believe that I’m doing this, not generally something undertaken by techno-phobes like myself. It’s really more for me, so to anyone that’s reading this, wow, thanks, I am totally flattered! But the reality is that all I want is a place to be able to write about my journey through the insanity. What will the focus be? Well I’m not entirely sure, to be honest, I could write about any one of my many loves, the ocean, sailing, adventuring of all descriptions, nature, sunshine, big trees…. I could write about any one of those things and be totally happy. But what really consumes me, and what I want to write about, is what it really means to be female in this world today. Oh, how totally unoriginal it is to write about things like body image, pressure to be thin and beautiful, but also strong and independent, but not too strong, just a little bit weak so you aren’t totally unattractive, be competent, but don’t be too confident in your capabilities, lest you be called a bitch and disregarded completely… it’s nuts! And I know it’s unoriginal, but I don’t even really care, because there’s generally a reason for lack of originality, and sometimes that reason is simply that it is a huge issue, much huger than we can even grasp. And I am writing this blog (god, what a dumb word! I feel like such a dork right now!) anyways I am writing this BLOG, because I think there are probably a shitload of other women out there that feel very similarly to me. My question to you is, all you non-existent readers, is, how do you get to a place where you can really love yourself? And I don’t mean in a wishy-washy sense, I mean really, on a day to day basis, look at yourself and find deep meaning in your existence; look in the mirror and see beauty instead of ugliness; see competence, see grace? I guess alot of it comes down to childhood, as any paperback shrink would say, what went on in your childhood? And I would say, well, I had an extraordinarly blessed childhood, with a great family, incredible opportunities for travel and exploration and learning! But I guess what I am getting to here is that I didn’t ever really learn how to be a girl, in all the best meanings of the word. As a tomboy, it became clear to me pretty quickly that all the “cute” boys in seventh grade, with their oh-so-stylish bowl cuts and Nike t-shirts, were not the least bit interested in me, me with my overalls and coke-bottle glasses. Me who was freakishly tall at eleven, having grown all I would grow to my adult height (5’7″) in grade six! Me who had that decidedly un-cute pudge of many pubescent girls. And even though I am now pretty normal-sized, average height, an athletic build at 140lbs or so, I still look in the mirror and see this freakshow, awkward, clumsy giant! Who cares, you might say, get over yourself, but it’s funny how this kind of thing sends ripples throughout your life, through relationships, career, education, the way you relate to yourself and the world. And there are not many things I know in life for sure, because ultimately, what is it but a great big game of Headbands? But I do know that I like writing, that it helps me sort things out, that through my fingertips sometimes thoughts flow that are so deeply recessed it’s like finding a boot that’s been at the bottom of the sea for 25 years. So here I am, I am going to try this, I doubt if anyone will even read it, just a bunch of words really, but it will mean something to me, because I’m the one who wants to get to the bottom of this, find all those old boots, empty all the barnacles and seawater and small fish out of them, and see what’s inside, what makes me the way I am, how do I get to a place where I am happy with myself, truly happy, and not in the Oprah sense of the word but in a truly meaningful way. Come along for the ride if you wish, or don’t, I don’t particularly care, but your feedback would be more than intriguing to me!

Are you supposed to sign these things off, like a letter?

Regards,

M

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