Tag Archives: exercise

Vacation Blubber: Meet Mr. Gym Membership


So, it can’t be often in your life, when you have a week, at home, by yourself, with absolutely nothing – and I mean  NOTHING! – you  have to do. Other than the dishes. And take out the garbage. And maybe shower once in awhile. My man had to go back to work today, but I don’t go back for another week – hence the week, as-of-yet-unheard of, remote-control domination; bed and couch occupation.  And although I plan on revelling in this, I have this feeling like I don’t want to waste such a blessed snippet of my existence on simply stuffing my face with Cheezies and watching re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress. I want this week to matter.

So although I started my day with a cigarette, that’s it folks — no more. This is going to be Healthy Week. I finally forked out for a legitimate gym membership. I got sick of trying to scam my local gym into letting me use all the “First Time Customer” coupons (although I DID score at least 25 FREE visits with this strategy). And it turned out to be not so bad of a deal at all. And by paying an extra $50, you have the priviledge of putting your membership on hold for as long as you want, and the payments are suspended. Awesome! I think this will be a great motivator, because it will take some serious shame to call up and say, “Yeah, I’m not planning on using this for the next few weeks….. just put it on hold….” in fact, just writing that makes me want to go to the gym RIGHT NOW, even though I was just there and just did a ridiculously hard spin class. Here’s the thing though, I weighed myself, which I definitely should not have done. And it’s one of those old-fashioned sliding bar scales, and I did the usual — slid out the 100 and then proceeded to kick the “one-pounder” out from zero, breezing through the “impossible” twenties and thirties, expecting it to stop somewhere in the high 140’s…. but oh…. oh SHIT!! No you’ve got to be KIDDING ME!!! I had to start back at square one with the big, FAT 150 slider. Yeah, that’s going to end, and quickly. I was on vacation, people!! (An awesome vacation at that — which I will probably elaborate on later).

So yes, this week is going to be Getting my Ass Back into Shape week. I didn’t eat any junk food or drink any liquor today, which is amazing considering the previous three weeks are all a blur of Pina Coladas, Rum Punch, Nachos, Beer, Cheesecake, Wine, Pizza, Beer, Dark n’ Stormys, Bailey’s, Cheeseburgers, ice cream, and scotch. Yes, it was an epically awesome vacation. But now it’s time to buckle down and recover. And give my poor liver a breather.


Suck it Nutritionists: Christmas is for Eating


Turkey too. Get it in ya!

Suck it, nutritionists: Christmas is not Christmas without ploughing an absurd amount of cookies, chocolate, caramel popcorn, booze; downing a copious quantity of rich cheese and all manner of savoury delights! Christmas is not Christmas without the table FULL of plates of tantalizing concoctions beautifully arranged on a tray with garnish and cranberries and lovely springs of dill. It is the season of phyllo pastry, mini-quiches, smoked salmon, cream-cheese EVERYTHING! It is the season of Chocolate; of advent calendars and Pot of Gold and Turtles and After-Eights.

I don’t know about you, but I am super sick of that age-old column that appears in every newspaper and magazine around this time of year, with a headline that goes something like this: “How to Stay Thin over the Holidays” where some scrawny grinch-bag goes on to tell me that I should eat a massive plate of raw celery before going to a party, limit myself to one appetizer, (or even worse, as I saw recently, a suggestion to eat ONLY one appetizer, and skip dinner altogether — blasphemy!) drink only one glass of wine (which should be daintily sipped over a four-hour stretch…. yeah right).

Christmas is a season of celebration, not moderation. And for me, celebration is inextricably tied to eating. I love food, and so does my whole family, and our family reunions are never complete without certain key items: Aunt Kate’s famous spinach and artichoke dip. My mom’s pineapple muffins. Uncle Jim’s quiche. All these things (and many more) are as much a part of the event as any of the actual people in attendance. A family that eats together, stays together.

And most of these columns, these guilt-inducing, misery-inspiring columns, say that the average person gains about a pound – ONE MEASLY POUND! – over the whole holiday season. A pound is approximately 3600 calories. That’s only like, ten runs in January to get that off. No big whoop!

Let’s just be clear here, that I am not endorsing a flat-out binge-fest on everything in sight – I’m just saying that, one time of year ladies, lets give ourselves a bit of a break. Lets stop mentally calculating calories and amount of time you’ll have to jog to get it off, let’s stop DEPRIVING ourselves, for only a few weeks of the year, let’s instead allow ourselves, give ourselves permission, to go a little nuts, to laugh and joke and sing and, yes, EAT, with our dearest friends and family.

Time to put some Bailey’s in my coffee….